Christmas Tree Revenge

On one cold winters night, something mysterious and magical happened. A loving family consisting of a young boy, a young girl, and two middle-aged parents lay fast asleep, with their minds corrupt by dreams of excitement and happiness. However, downstairs in the front room, there sat a Christmas tree. This Christmas tree was the same one which sat in the front room every single year, covered in tinsel which made the tree itchy, fairy lights which blinded the trees eyes, and candy canes and baubles and all sorts of things which the tree was reluctantly covered with year after year.

But this year he decided that enough was enough. His green arms burst out from beneath the tinsel, his eyes glowed red, and a huge dark gap forced apart the leaves and baubles and tinsel and candy canes, which formed a large and aggressive mouth. His long hairy arms viciously grabbed the presents which surrounded the pot in which the tree stood in, and one by one he stuffed them all into his mouth. The more the tree ate, the more hungry he became, and he started to eat everything in the room. He ate the television, the family computer, the sofa, the telephone, everything. Eventually, all that was left was him. “Oh no!” thought the Christmas tree. “They are bound to suspect that it was me! They will chop me up and make paper out of me!”. So he desperately ran out of the front door as fast as a tree possibly could, with baubles falling off his leaves. Finally he was free from repulsive Christmas decorations, and disgusting pets who couldn’t tell the difference between a tree which you were allowed to urinate on, and a tree which you were not allowed to urinate on. The eager family woke the next day, and ran down the stairs, to find an empty living room. After a lengthy police report, it was concluded that their house had been burgled, but we know different, don’t we…

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Too Many Doughnuts

You know what it’s like. There’s a whole pack of iced doughnuts sat innocently staring at you. The temptation grows and grows. You try to look away and you desperately try to resist but you finally give in and take one huge satisfying bite. As you tear into the crisp pink icing your taste-buds scream out for more. You tell yourself that you won’t give in to your unhealthy craving whilst happily licking your sticky fingers. After all, who is in charge of your body? Your mind, or your taste buds?

A few moments later you’re sat on the sofa with a sickly sweet taste filling your mouth. Could it possibly be? OH NO! Your eyes fixate on the empty pack of doughnuts sat on the table beside you. They’re all gone. Every single one, gone. You nervously place your hand on your bloated belly and you can feel the doughnuts angrily swimming around, mixing with the stomach acid, colliding with all the other scraps of disintegrating food. You feel your stomach churning. You suddenly regret every bite that you ate. You drown your throat with orange juice to get rid of the taste, but every time that you swallow you vomit inside your mouth. It isn’t long before your favourite shirt is covered in regurgitated food and your head is crammed inside a dingy, disgusting toilet. Whoever said that there’s no such thing as ‘too many doughnuts’?

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A Moshers Heaven

If you’ve never been to a concert where (within ten yards) there are fifteen intoxicated moshers spewing their guts up around you, then trust me – you have never been to a concert. Yes it was once deemed ‘cool’ to be seen at a Spice Girls tour calmly singing along to ‘Wannabe’ and ‘2 become 1’, but nowadays it’s all about mosh pits, deafening amplifiers, and stage dives (depending on what music you’re into of course).

If somebody plummets on top of you at an astonishing speed then most people would move out of the way, not raise their arms in the air ready to catch the daredevil who (rather impressively) had the balls to jump into the usually quite scary crowd. Not these people... If you like bands such as Slipknot, Machine Head, and The Offspring then you’ll know what I’m talking about (and so will your poor bruised bones I’d imagine). But have you ever wondered what it’s like to surf a sea of devoted hands? It’s an extremely exhilarating feeling, unless your music sucks and the crowd hate you and let you fall flat on your face. If you like to spend your time listening to aggressive and angry music or if you like to violently barge into your surroundings without a moments thought for all the overworked paramedics working in A&E then show those Girls Aloud fans what a real concert is, and get yourself down to the nearest mosh pit today.

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Death By A Tricycle

It all started years and years ago before you or I were born, in a place not so far away from here. It was a young boys fifth birthday, and for weeks he had been practically begging his parents for the latest trike which every boy his age wanted. Fate (or more appropriately – the calendar) had not been on his side that year, and he reluctantly had to go to school on his birthday. He spent the whole day anxiously running and jumping around, his little head filled with excitement and anticipation. He eagerly waited for the bell to declare victory (aka hometime) and he ran as fast as he could with a huge beaming smile spread across his face, and he met his parents at the school gate. Ten minutes later, their spacious family car pulled up in the drive, the boys mother helped him out of the car and he happily skipped to the front door.

As soon as the key turned in the lock and the door creaked open, the boy raced inside and his eyes gleamed as he saw a large poorly wrapped present stood in the middle of the living room. “It must be a trike! It HAS to be a trike!” he thought whilst tearing away the wrapping paper. He turned to his parents with a sweet toothy grin on his face as he politely asked them whether he could go out in the street and play with his new toy. His mother stood outside and attentively watched him slowly make his way down the street. As he got to the end of the street she shouted and told him to turn around and come back which he did. He started to get faster now. He zoomed past her and she waved at him with a proud smile filling up a large majority of her face. He continued to cycle down the road and he was approaching the end of the street when a speeding car quickly turned around the corner – but did not manage to manoeuvre around the boy. Many residents of that road still say that he haunts the streets on misty winter nights. Zooming through the fog on his trike, with decaying skin and small brittle hands clung tightly to the handlebars, still bitter, envious, and hungry for revenge. If you can’t remember far back enough to recall the first time you rode a tricycle, then be thankful, because he will never forget.

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Candycoaster

The funfair is the most exciting and exhilarating place to go (apart from the Bermuda Triangle). A dangerous and deadly mixture of too many sugary sweets and super fast rides make it the best place to go when you need a break from the rest of the world. With haunted houses, hotdog stalls, hook-a-ducks, and what seems to be a hundred megaphones calling out: “PRIZE EVERY TIME!” it’s the perfect place for a day out. There is always a large variety of rides and stalls which cater for everybody’s needs, but you’ll have to save your pennies first! Nowadays, you can expect to pay an extravagant £2 at least to go on a decent ride! But now, after many failed attempts (and quite a few unnecessary deaths) there is a new revolution in roller-coaster technology.

Why pay a good hard-earned £1.50 on candyfloss when you can eat as much as you want on a ride? Yes, it’s none other than the ‘Candycoaster’, a beautiful concoction of a rollercoaster which can reach a whopping 100 miles per hour and a limited supply of gorgeous candyfloss. This is one ride that you will never forget; even when you’re old and the amnesia starts to kick in! The tracks weave in and out of a huge pile of baby pink candyfloss, which allows the people inside the kart to eat as much as they can! As long as you are prepared to pull bits of sugar out of your hair for the rest of the day then this is the ride for you!

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The Monster In The Lagoon

Here is a story that your history teacher didn’t want you to hear...

A huge battle ship was out in the ocean, gracefully gliding along the waves with about two dozen men on board – each of which had loving families back at home, loving families who shudder whenever they are reminded of the terrible event that occurred that night. It was a moonless pitch-black night, and a bed of fog and mist lay on the surface of the freezing cold water. The sky was patterned with stars and the night was so silent that even with the powerful oars that were continuously being pulled to and fro, even with all the men running around on the wooden deck, the beautiful ripples of the ocean could still be heard. The men all agreed that it was time for a rest and so decided to go to sleep on their uncomfortable hammocks in their tiny rooms below deck which smelt of damp and sweat. The anchor was lowered and the whole ship shook as it hit the ocean floor with a huge thud – startling hundreds of sea urchins and fish around it.

But there was something mystical and powerful beneath the water, lurking through the seaweed and floating amongst the starfish that desperately clung onto rocks. Something mystical, powerful, and envious. This monster grabbed a large rock and began to angrily pound at the chain of the anchor. The monster was so strong and determined that each time the stone hit the metal chain the entire ship rocked violently, which made gigantic waves and splashes of water. Everything inside the ship was thrown around and tipped upside down. Bottles smashed against the ceiling and men were viciously flung from one side of the room to the other. The huge metal anchor was to remain at the bottom of the ocean forever more, whilst the ship wandered off into the distance, with all of the crew inside battered to a pulp, bleeding to death. If you’re ever out in the ocean at night, look out at the ripples of water and you can sometimes still hear the chain rattling beneath the calm and peace of the waves.

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The Nuclear Jack-In-The-Box

They aren’t so popular these days, but go back fifty years or so and I can almost guarantee that every child would have a Jack-in-the-box somewhere in their toy collection, along with yoyo’s, cats cradles, and other old-fashioned games that kids these days are too shallow and materialistic to appreciate. But did you ever wonder why little kids don’t tend to play with Jack-in-the-boxes anymore? It’s all down to a toy factory, a chemical leak, and a lot of mysterious disappearances.

All those years ago, there was a huge warehouse in the countryside situated right next to a nuclear power plant, and in that warehouse there was a coal-powered machine which produced hundreds of Jack-in-the-boxes every hour. Sweet, little clowns stuffed into beautifully decorated boxes. Every child wanted one, and come Christmastime every child DID have one, but they weren’t half as innocent as what the adverts on the black and white televisions described them as. One day there was a mysterious chemical explosion from the nuclear power plant. Toxic waste leaked into the warehouse which contaminated every toy in sight, turning them evil and malicious. Somehow, these toys were sent out to every popular toy store in the country, and some were even shipped abroad, without anyone noticing that they weren’t what the seemed. Children soon started to disappear, but nobody suspected a cute little toy sat in the corner of the room. So if your grandparents (or maybe even your parents) keep banging on about ‘the good old days’ then just remind them of the fact that there are (hopefully) no killer toys running around these days.

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