The Aliens Did It

If you fell in love with aliens after watching ET, then prepare to be amazed. Not all freaky little dudes from outer space are cute, wrinkly, and adorably sweet like our favourite extra terrestrial. Some are slimy, ugly, and pure evil. One night, a thousand bright blue lights flickered in the dark air. The smell of rotten flesh passed through the towns and cities, repulsing everyone that didn’t happen to have a cold and could smell the awful stench. Powerful gushes of cold air blew out from underneath disc shaped spaceships as they landed on the ground. Terrified children who were playing outside hid behind bushes and some even climbed up to the top of trees to hide from whatever awaited them inside the large flying saucers that were no further than fifty yards away from where they hid. Residents of local houses looked through their windows in astonishment, taking pictures that they planned to send in to the newspapers in the hope that they might get a nice lot of money for them. A rectangular door opened up and out came a large and rather unfriendly looking pink monster. He looked much like a Squid, only he left disgusting trails of jelly behind him as he slithered across the floor and he had one huge intimidating eye which just stared ahead blankly. One by one, each spaceship opened, and more of these hideous beasts emerged, and pretty soon there were over a hundred of them crowding around.

They seemed to be communicating and were making a lot of loud high-pitched sounds - that had anyones windows been open, everyone inside would have been deafened by such a pitch. They were up to something, that was for sure. They all slowly made their way towards the city centre leaving humongous piles of pink gelatine behind them. They trampled over cars, tore down lampposts, and instantly killed anyone in their way by one single laser beam which emitted from the pupils of their eyes. They eventually got to the city where they caused nothing but havoc. Tower blocks were knocked over, shop windows were smashed, and cars were thrown around in some sort of game that a few of the aliens were playing. Some made their way to the parks where they crushed hard metal slides flat and some went to the beach where they screamed and screeched as they sank into the sand. Petrol stations were set alight, power stations blew up, and supermarkets were torn to pieces. The whole city was flattened, smashed, crushed, and burnt down within a matter of hours, and the aliens sadly returned to their spaceships and disappeared into the darkness, leaving nothing but fierce flames and sticky slime. If you thought that all aliens were nice and peaceful like that one who can miraculously make a bicycle fly through the air in that film (just good visual effects I think), then you should have been there that night when aliens unexpectedly landed in a popular well-established city, and left it a flattened dumpsite of smoke, bricks, and broken glass. Maybe one day, they will pay your town a visit, until then, don’t assume that all guys from outer space are friendly enough to heal people with a single glowing finger.

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The Malfunctioned Ticket Machine

A seemingly never-ending queue full of excited and impatient teenagers stretched across the street. Slushies were being sold by the dozen, annoying novelty hats were everywhere you looked, helium balloons gracefully blew amongst the clouds, and the sickly sweet smell of donuts floated through the air. This could only mean one thing – the carnival was in town. The carnival was only around for five days at the most and then it was gone for another six months at least, so every kid looked forward to the next time the soothing loud music and blinding lights came to their hometown. Thousands of people flooded the park in which the carnival was held everyday, and the once beautifully green grass soon became nothing more than a disgusting pool of mud and popcorn which unfortunately dropped onto the floor. There was a little ticket machine which stood proudly beside the main gate going into the carnival. Tickets were cheap (after all, they’re only small pieces of coloured card) so the machine was constantly dispensing tickets to eager children, and then there would be another child with pockets full of coins, and then another, and another… This carried on throughout the day, from early in the morning til late at night, and the machine faithfully spurted out little pink tickets one after the other, until the last day of the carnival that is.

If you can honestly tell me that you could work constantly for days on end without collapsing then you would have to be The Terminator. The ticket machine started to malfunction, letting out hundreds of tickets at a time whenever some extremely fortunate person put £1 into the coin slot. Young children were running around with huge disbelieving smiles on their faces, clutching streams and streams of tickets in their hands. At first it wasn’t realised by the carnival workers, and they had no idea that the ticket dispenser was broke, but very soon there were no tickets left in the machine so nobody could go on the rides which caused an unpleasant uproar with infuriated clowns, rollercoaster owners, acrobats, and talented fire jugglers. The carnival was closed early, leaving hundreds of disappointed children spending their weekend at home again, desperately waiting for the next time that the carnival comes to town.

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The Demon Beyond The Shadows

You could be possessed by demons right now, and you wouldn’t even know it. And even after being exorcised, you would still have no recollection of any of it. So for all you know, there could be a demon inside of you at any moment. Even now whilst reading this, you could be laughing at the thought of a demon invading your body, if so then read on, you may have a nasty surprise. Demons can take over anybody’s body, at any time. They lurk in the shadows, hunting for innocent people who aren’t currently possessed, and they anxiously wait until it’s dark. You stand no chance. You’re as vulnerable as a pack of chocolate digestives in the presence of an obese teenager.

Look down at your torso. If you look carefully, there should be a demonic face tearing through your skin peering out of the darkness. If there isn’t then you’re one of the fortunate ones, but you need to protect yourself from any future attacks. Imagine if you were wearing one of these wonderful t-shirts. Any demons out there prowling around looking for victims would take one look at you and miserably mutter: “She’s already possessed…” and would slither away to find somebody else. You could be saved from having people accuse you of being a Schizophrenic or a sufferer of Tourettes Syndrome. You would never have to worry about being tied to your bed with a vicar screaming: “The power of Christ compels you!” and you have the biggest migraine the world has ever known when you gain consciousness. All you need is a
t-shirt and a body. So what is there to lose? Just click a few buttons, and you can have your own protection from evil spirits delivered right to your door!

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Designer Doughnut

If you’re the Paris Hilton of America, or the Che Guevara of Cuba, or just possibly the Boris Johnson of Great Britain, and you’re fed up of boring old doughnuts that only cater for the less fortunate working-class citizens, then worry no longer! This is a doughnut that will no doubt deduct a small percentage of your bank balance, but it’s definitely worth it! It’s the craze that has caused uproar in Japan, Australia, Germany, Spain, and any other countries that you can think of, and now it has finally come to England! It is basically a ring doughnut covered in pink luxurious icing, gold plated knuckledusters, and expensive diamonds. Any gourmet chef will guarantee that this is one doughnut that will go down a treat (but it’s best to take the diamonds and knuckledusters off first – your throat will not appreciate those zooming down it).

The real thing comes at a hefty price, but remember the saying: “Been there, got the
t-shirt”? If your bank balance isn’t as healthy as Michael Jacksons then you can always buy the t-shirt which is almost as tasty as the real thing! And besides, you never know. All you accident-prone people out there could just get hurt by the knuckledusters or get scratched by the diamonds, which wouldn’t be very nice at all (and it would be hell as far as insurance claims are concerned). So go ahead and grab yourself a Designer Doughnut (or preferably a Designer Doughnut t-shirt) today!

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Hands On Clothing

This is the alternative and extremely unique brand of clothes which is none other than the infamous Hands On Clothing! A talented bunch of people (with strangely vivid imaginations) are to blame for this company, which allows many hyperactive teenagers throughout the UK to express their flamboyant personalities – in the form of random clothing! If you like one t-shirt done by this brand, then more likely than not, you will like the rest of them too, so watch out if you’re an uncontrollable spend-a-holic because you could soon be showered with cool t-shirts, so much so that you might not even be able to breathe! (An impressive way to die, but we want you to get a bit of wear out of the clothes before you pop your clogs).

Every item of clothing is original, inspiring, and great value for money, so if you haven’t already, then I suggest you drag your parents over to the computer screen and get them to type in their credit card number. Bribe them if you must, which can’t be too difficult as every parent has had a few embarrassing incidents which include a microphone, a Madonna karaoke track, and an excessive amount of alcohol! Grab yourself a few t-shirts today, and see your popularity soar!

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Hands On Clothing

You may not have heard of this clothing line, but I would strongly advise that you follow this link: http://handsonclothing.net/ and get your hands on some of the awesome t-shirts that they have on offer!

I would just like to add, that my little enrolement in this local-run buisness is to write short stories that relate to the items of clothing. I'm pretty impressed with this, as it's perhaps the most recognition I've ever received from my writing. I also get a lot of enjoyment out of writing for a purpose. I write a lot anyway, and most if it is just left as a lonely file stuck on my computer not doing anything. But I get severe pleasure out of knowing that I'm wasting a good twenty minutes of my life on something that will actually matter.

Well seeing as this is maybe the most significant thing to come out of this year (for me anyway), I'm going to put all of my little stories on here for you lovely lot to read. I might as well, eh? It will make this blog seem more impressive anyway, seeing as I have about two posts now and it's looking a bit pathetic.

Thanks loads, Danyel :)

Blur - The Universal [Music Video Review]

This is definitely one of Blurs most underrated songs - beautiful, emotional and meaningful. It could only be that heart-stopping dream of a song: ‘The Universal’. If you are lucky enough to remember the bitter rivalry between Blur and Oasis back in the 90’s, and if you were torn between the two, then this is the only song that is sure to convince you that Blur are much more original and versatile than Oasis. Blur created a whole new genre which was to change music forever – Britpop. Everything that they did was music that could have been written in the 60’s, but thank God it wasn’t. The deteriorating music industry was completely revamped the minute that Blur songs were first belted out of the radio. Catchy tunes and poetic lyrics started to dominate The Top of the Pops instead of the retiring garbage such as Meatloaf, Cher, and Celine Dion which was getting old, repetitive, and boring. Soon after Blur became well-known there were dozens of successful music artists that followed. The mid 90’s was a great time for music. A wide selection of talented musical genius’s who actually played and wrote their own stuff – unlike the computer generated noise that has unfortunately crept into today’s mainline music industry.

‘The Universal’ is by far my all-time favourite Blur song. With a mixture of interesting romantic strings and Blurs usual ensemble of guitars, drums, and Damon Albarns soul-shattering lead vocals, I find it hard to listen to this song just once at a time, and I always find myself clicking that beloved repeat button on Winamp every time that it comes on. Brass fills and an annoyingly catchy rhythm create a very effective optimistic feel which is essential for this song because it gives a calm and peaceful backing to Albarns strong and emotional vocals and helps create a soothing and uplifting sound when it comes to the chorus.

‘The Universal’ has brilliant lyrics which are quite confusing and at first glance seem to be random sentences strung together, but they are actually very meaningful and poetic. The lyrics are optimistic and thought-provoking, describing how the future will eventually get better. ‘The future has been sold’ explains how there are solid plans for the upcoming years and it also suggests that the future has been priced up and sold to the highest bidder and technology will improve over time and the future is in safe, reliable hands. ‘It really really really could happen, when the days they seem to fall through you, well just let them go’ is optimistic and positive and is saying that even if the world seems to be against you and everything is falling apart, you might as well carry on and let your worries and troubles go, and if you are determined enough then you can do anything. ‘Satellites in every home… yes the universal’s here, here for everyone’ suggests that there will soon be a vast improvement of technology where everything will be electronic and modernised and it will affect everyone in some way or another and will generally make peoples quality of life much better. ‘Every paper that you read says tomorrow’s your lucky day, well here’s your lucky day’ is saying that every horoscope in every paper will claim that tomorrow will be a good day and that even if today seems bad, tomorrow will be better – which also links in with the chorus line. There is also a subtle hint of sarcasm in the line because it is saying that yesterday’s paper claimed that today would be a lucky day, but if days seem to fall through you then obviously not every day is a lucky day so therefore the papers are lying.

No matter how much you love the song; there is no getting over the music video that accompanies it. It’s enough to scar an impressionable teenage girl for life, with the completely gorgeous close-ups of the once extremely attractive Damon Albarn; one comment on YouTube describes the video as: ‘Sexier than sex itself’, and after having watched the video literally hundreds of times, I couldn’t agree more. The video is based on Stanley Kubrick’s ‘A Clockwork Orange’, and is an incredible tribute to the disturbing but brilliant cult classic. Blur are dressed up in white costumes similar to the costumes which Alex and his Droogs wear in the film, and Damon is wearing heavy eyeliner on one eye like Alex De Large. Colourful cocktails, naked mannequins, and a limited selection of complimenting colours (orange, red, and white) show an obvious resemblance to A Clockwork Orange. The main colour in the music video is bright white which makes the whole bar look heavenly, retro, and peaceful. During the video there are subtitles which indicate what a man is saying about the bar which he is stood in, and he says: “This can’t be heaven – I recognise it!”.

The whole science fiction theme fits in with the lyrics which are about how technology will improve the future and make everything better and easier. There is an element of purity and innocence about the video which creates an elegant and sophisticated feel. The illuminating white walls and the even whiter suits that the band are wearing make them seem to blend in with the background which makes an eerie and artistic appearance. Damon magnificently pulls off the ‘guyliner’ image and his creepy yet incredibly sexy stare is a rather impressive imitation of Alex De Large’s blank stare in A Clockwork Orange. At the very last second of the video, the priest sitting on the left side of the band goes to passionately kiss the man sitting next to him which links in with the perversion and sexual nature of A Clockwork Orange. The pure beautifulness of the video and song itself never ceases to amaze me, but please, someone put some clothes on those mannequins!

Damon Albarn is what makes this song so effortlessly creative and different. He has an incredibly unique skill for writing lyrics that even the most stubborn and opinionated philosophers could find no fault with. And even now that he has hit the big forty he still continues to produce outstanding music. He is currently the lead singer of an extremely popular virtual ‘cartoon’ band ‘Gorillaz’, and is only slightly less attractive than what he was twenty years ago, without a single sign of Botox or corrective surgery anywhere in sight. And now after years of anxious waiting, they’re coming back again, only now we will be blasting their tunes on Ipods, Mp3 players and God knows what else, instead of those hideous CD players back in the good old days. Expect a tasty reunion, seeing as Oasis made their comeback a couple of months ago… Is this the nineties all over again? If only…

Overall, this video alone is much more unique and inspiring than anything Oasis ever did. I didn’t pick up a guitar after hearing the famous and unbelievably popular Oasis tracks ‘Wonderwall’ and ‘Don’t look back in anger’. However after first hearing the individuality and wit of Blurs ‘Country house’ and ‘Song 2’ only then did I take a severe interest in music. With the trashy R’n’B and despicable kiddy pop tunes that are now piling into the music industry, is it possible that a truly deserving, half decent band will ever save our sorry ears from Rhianna, 50 Cent, and a countless number of untalented X-Factor finalists? Now that Blur are back, it really really really could happen.

By Danyel Faddes.